February 16, 2022 #8

I won't mince words in saying the last few days have been rather hellish, health-wise.  
Last Sunday, the 13th, was nothing but a shitty day on every level.  

I allowed myself once again to interact on social media which wound up getting me riled up for absolutely no other reason than to participate in exchanging views that would lead to positively nowhere except bad feelings; and for that, I am guilty.  

When will I learn???

Thing is, things like this when I 'scroll' down the newsfeed of one particular "social" media platform always happen.

It's a massively toxic environment already proven in COURTS to divide people and create conflict - REAL COURTS OF LAW.  

And these hearings and trials continue to this day, at least as far as I know.

Still, I allow myself to be sucked into these fucking things, even as I don't 'scroll' these 'newsfeeds'.  

They just appear at the top when I sign in, because the evil algorithms are designed just that way, to create conflict, conversation, and ultimately, cash for the platform.

All while leaving division and hatred in its wake.

I've lost enough friends from this 'social media' platform and its 'messenger' service.  

But apparently *enough* is never enough.

Once upon a time, we all seemed to be aimed towards one goal:  To strive toward Peace and make the world a better place.

'Social media' is NOT doing that.  

It's doing THE OPPOSITE.
Here in Canada, we have two major news sources - CTV, and CBC; both are reputable, and don't lean one way or the other in political affiliation.

When bullshit happens in politics, no matter if it comes from the 'left' or 'right', it's reported, without opinion, generally.

In the U.S, however, you have CNN (left), Fox News (HARD right), Newsmax (HARD right) and MSNBC (arguably hard left), among other fledgling extremist networks.
Every one of those news networks ought to be abolished, because they're not even 'news'.

They're news 'magazine' networks, based almost solely on opinions, and not news.  

These networks are eliciting reactionary responses from their viewers, including the likes of myself.

I'm guilty of buying into them too.

Perhaps not as much today as I used to; I used to love watching CNN, until I began seeing contrast between what they report and what I see here on Canada's more centrist news channels.

I know there are those of us that will argue CTV and CBC are not neutral.  

I'm not talking to anyone who might be reading this that disagrees with that.

It's what I see, what I believe, and what I feel to be true.

And the reason I'm posting this on my blog page is because I don't want the hatred from either side flying at me.  

I don't consider my blog pages "social media" - these are my opinion pages and/or journal pages.

Thus, I'm not posting links to them on social media anymore.

Ultimately, in a nutshell, I feel like it's time to really give up on "social media".

It's aiding and abetting the destruction of my own social life, and those of others.

Back to Sunday...

"Social media" created knots in my stomach.

That, combined with these miserable snacks that I got from Costco that day, and my daughter winding up startlingly ill, I descended into a deep, dark pit of unhealthiness that actually made me wish I could just sleep and not wake up, it was that bad.

I was in tears for much of the day, feeling like perhaps coming off of Zoloft was a dire mistake.

I was in a constant state of feeling like I was going to throw up, but not really.  

We ALL know how awful that feels.

This continued into Monday, and then Tuesday.

But later on, on Tuesday, I prepared an old recipe for supper for the wife and me which you might call 'comfort food', and it appeared to set me right.

At least for now.

Last Saturday night, the wife and I went to the gym to try to get back into some kind of groove, exercise-wise.

The two times I went to the gym previously didn't work out too well, as I performed usual workouts, and wound up feeling nearly sick to my stomach.

Well, that Saturday night was no different.
This all has to be related to my withdrawal - leaving me wondering if I'd made the right choice.

In short, my life has been in kind of upheaval since withdrawing from Zoloft.

However, last week did bring me some good news, of sorts.

I received a check from the government in back time for disability - so I've been approved.

This is good in a way, and I should see it as such - so why do I feel like my life, as I knew it, is more or less over, and that I'm on the downside of it now?

I've said it before:  I can survive on disability benefits, but I can't thrive on them.

I can only Exist.

On the other hand, I can't deny that every single job I've worked, I've faced the prospect more as the years go on that one day, I just may break down and not even make it home alive someday.

My wife says she wants me alive even if it means me not working.

I want to be alive too - but just to survive?

It's something, apparently, that I have to learn to accept now.

This just may be retirement for me, and not the kind of retirement I was hoping for.
But I've exhausted all avenues of trying to cope with this damned fucking condition that I seem to be losing a handle on more as the years go by.

I guess this is going to be my life now.

Last week, after the vicious 1-2 punch snowstorms we got that left us with six to seven foot snowbanks in our walkway, I began to hack away at the snow and ice impeding the path to our mailbox.

After doing so for two hours or more, I finally had the path cleared.

The very next day, in the mailbox was that check.

After I opened it, I just sat and stared at the lump sum that was owed to me since being off EI benefits last August.

After staring at it for nearly five minutes, I just broke down and cried, literally sobbing.

"The government agrees," I said to myself.

"I'm actually NOT fit to work.  My doctors came to that same conclusion, endorsed that fact, and pushed for me to get this."

I should feel vindicated.

So why don't I????

The experts agreed I shouldn't have to work.

Actual doctors and lawyers lobbied on my behalf, even when I didn't actually completely believe it myself.

Or maybe I didn't want to believe it.

I think part of the reason tears began to flow was because now, I have this added stigma attached to me that I'm some kind of "freeloader".  

I'm now one of those people that some believe is taking advantage of the system.

When the fact is that it was my doctor that actually pushed for me to step back.

HE was the one who made the suggestion to my wife.

It doesn't matter - I have the label of "freeloader' stamped on my forehead now wherever I will go.

It's what some of my family and friends - or former friends, I guess - will see me as.

And it demeans me and makes me feel ugly uglier.

It makes me want to withdraw from public life even more; and that can't be good, can it.

What am I going to do now, just wither away?

Maybe... maybe that's what my fate always was.

God damn it, I should be happy.

I should be RELIEVED.

I'm now no longer solely dependent on my wife, financially, to actually just be alive; even though if I was a millionaire, I still couldn't live without her, literally.  

Yet I still lie here in bed at 4:23 in the morning, unable to sleep, still with the sheer feeling of guilt flooding my brain and my soul, writing this blog as if I were looking for some sort of absolution.

Looking for something I can never find.

And the rage I feel inside is shoving me toward the urges of self-harm yet again.
"You don't deserve this!!" the voice tells me.
"PUNISH YOURSELF!!  THAT'S what you deserve!  PAIN!  PAIN!  Make sure you leave marks on yourself to prove to everyone that what you feel inside can be seen outside!!"
I swear those words wrote themselves....
Perhaps that's why I'm not working.

It's been three months now since my last anxiety attack, where I executed physical injury upon myself and nearly quite literally threw myself over an overpass into oncoming cars.  

I've had a number of panic attacks, where I wake up from sleep unable to breathe or catch my breath.  

It's a remarkably unsettling feeling, like I'm about to die.

It often leaves me afraid to fall asleep, with the prospect of not waking up.

Now I want to sleep.... I just can't.

So I'm not better.  

Electrical explosions go off in my brain with regularity.  

And taking THC/CBD oil appears to exacerbate the sickly feeling in my gut, to make matters worse.

All indications are that I should be relieved, happy, satisfied, and like I said - vindicated.

So why does it all seem to be getting worse?!

What will it take to be happy???