February 3, 2022 #6

Woke up this morning to the phone ringing.  Turns out the wife slept in!  I feel like I'm to blame.  Some nights I'm a regular, bonafide chatterbox and I think I'm partially responsible for her being tired.  I have to do better at taking care of her.

I wound up staying awake, and now we're in the noon hour of the day.  So since this is a withdrawal diary of a sort.........

I had the damndest time getting to sleep the night before, so I was dead tired.  I ate this chocolate bar that has THC in it figuring it'd help me lull off.  Well, that's an understatement.  When Janice came home yesterday, she had to go for an appointment to get her nails done and I slept during that time.  She took my suggestion and picked up a take-out lasagna from Vito's along with a little side of garlic fingers.  Damn good stuff.  But anyway, when she came home with it, she woke me up and I had the damndest time coming around.  That chocolate bar did a pretty good job.  But I was nearly comatose, for God's sake.

We ate our supper then just chilled for the remainder of the evening, which is basically what we've been doing all the time with this covid crap going on.  We watched.... really I should say I watched.... AEW on TV, which is pretty much the replacement for WWE for me, which I used to like until the McMahon family got a little too tight with Trump for my liking.  It brings back the fun of watching pro wrestling.  After that was over, upstairs we go, watched the evening news and Rachel Maddow, and Janice proceeded to eventually pass out after I eventually shut up.

Then I took to posting more old photos from the 80s, which I'm actually having a blast doing.  But... there is a slight drawback.  A friend of mine named Kelly that I've known for decades told me one time that she loves the stories I attach to pictures, because it makes them come alive, so that inspired me actually to spark up this very blog page.  It's even therapeutic in a way.

The drawback I spoke of is, my fingers tend to take on a life of their own when I start doing the writeups.  They kind of seem to know their own language, as it were, and can say things that verbally I'd never be able to get out.  I don't have a problem dealing with that.

It's just that when I delve into the days these pictures were taken, many many times these emotions will wash over me like a tidal wave.  Last night in particular, I was left in bed here, doing the posting, just blubbering my eyes out  I was actually sobbing and shaking.  This is exacerbated by the fact that my emotions are kind of taking over these days because they're less regulated by the drugs I was taking.  And the fact that a lot of what I'm writing is very self-critical is not lost on me.  But the thing is, it really is how I feel and think, and it's got to come out.  I don't have a therapist I can talk to that I trust or believe, so I pretty much have to just wing it on my own.  And it's a very lonely journey.

That's not to slight Janice.  She watches me like a hawk, always, and looks for me being triggered so she can get in front of the bullet before it hits me.  If that sounds dramatic, it isn't.  She really is my titanium shield.  If you want to come at me, you'll probably have to go through her first.  And I suggest you don't try that.  Same goes the other way around.

Through posting all these pictures, I'm finding that I'm actually tugging at a lot of roots as to why I'm messed up to begin with.  I know I repeatedly state that I had a history of brain trauma, but I do that as a way of trying to be easier on myself.  It doesn't really work - but I keep trying to make it work.  I just have to believe that if I never got smashed in the head so much as a kid, I'd never have become such a troublemaker.  I guess I'm looking for it as an excuse.  Perhaps I shouldn't be doing that and just straight up owning everything I did that hurt people... which honestly I feel like I still am doing today.  In short, I have a MASSIVE guilt complex.

Coming off of SSRIs, I have hope that someday in the not too distant future, I'll get that desire to socialize again without fear of having to get defensive, which is how I feel around most people.  I don't know how to explain just how hard that is.  I think I'm getting through to some people close to me, but I don't think I'm getting through at all to many others.  And whatever, they don't owe me their attention.  But I'll take a shot at it anyway.

The electrical storm that is my brain these last few days is not calming down at all whatsoever.  I'm doing what I can to avoid triggers... social media being the biggest.  Although it may appear I'm active on facebook, I'm really only using it as a way to expose my blog posts.  I won't scroll or anything, or even look at my notifications.  If you're reading this, and you're commenting there, I do read those comments, but I won't acknowledge them.  I don't want to get into any kind of back-and-forth that might result in some kind of confrontation.  Something I do need to note, though, is that my brother Rick is a stalwart defender.  He always was.  He's the gold standard of the family, and I think the family would agree.

Today I believe I'll be getting a good pair of headphones and some decent snare wires for my snare drum, so that I can actually play along to some music and get my drum skills back.  I have to also find a way to con some of my friends into jamming.  I don't know if any are reading this or not, but my dream configuration at the moment is me, with my buddies Wayne and Larry playing guitar, and Pete playing bass with my daughter singing.  There are a lot of roadblocks there, though.  I don't think Pete ever wants to play cover songs anymore, and to get this group of guys to agree on a set of songs actually doesn't seem hopeful.  I think Alexandra can sing anything she wants, she's that good.  The odds of something like this transpiring are about 1 in 100.  Or less.  Like I said, it's a bit of a personal fantasy.  I'll just settle for headphones and my drums, I guess.

That's the day up to now.  If you've taken interest in reading my ramblings here, I thank you.