February 8, 2022 #7

Been a few days since I got back here.  I got all caught up in posting pictures and stories on my Picture This blog, which I'm having a blast doing.

At this point I'm kind of an emotional wreck.  It's a major side effect of coming off of Zoloft, and my feeling is that I'm in for a longer, rougher ride on that front.  If I were a social person, I'd have withdrawn from being around people, fearing the risk of breaking down at the sight of a puppy or something.  I'm making light of it, but it's kind of annoying.  I'll listen to music that brings me back and get all melancholy about it; but what a great record Billy Joel's '52nd Street' is.  (I want to note, also, that a good friend gifted me the CD version of that album decades ago, that I still have and listen to today... "you talk about this all the time, so here!")  The hits on it are amazing, of course, but the non-hits are the ones that tug at my heart the most.  The percussion on 'Rosalinda's Eyes' is just dazzling (the outro is hypnotic), as is the story Billy sings - the flute, the keys, the guitars, the bass, the whole thing.  It just transports me to a Cuban bar that I've never been to, or will be, and I want to stand up and cheer for this guy named Billy Joel playing for some girl named Rosalinda.  Look, tears are running down my cheeks right now just thinking of it.  That's the 'emotional wreck' part I was talking about.  I have to be quiet here sniffing because my wife, MY 'Rosalinda', is sleeping peacefully beside me here in bed at 5:30 in the morning.  I woke up at 4 from nightmares I can't remember.  I don't want to, either.

Doing that Picture This blog has actually been therapeutic in its own unique way.  It's summoning people to my page to comment on facebook, or wherever, and reconnect with old memories, and thus kind of making new ones.  With all this time on my hands, that's turned out to be quite handy.  And it's good to keep my mind busy.

My lovely wife went out and got me these incredible Beats Studio 3 headphones, with Optimum points she'd built up, a few days ago.  She really wanted me to have them for the gym, because my last cheapie headphones bit the dust, and as anyone will tell you - music is pretty essential at the gym; lest you be subject to the stuff they play there.  And being the crotchety old fart I am, I can't really deal with hip-hop or rap or whatever the trend is today.  I'd challenge anyone to hum or whistle a melody to a rap song.  You can't, because there isn't any.  I listen to music to get away from talking, and rap ... that's kind of all it is to me, with relentless cursing and absolutely pointless vulgarity.  With respect to those who like that stuff.  Rock is to me what the Big Bands were to folks like my mom, and I don't see myself gettin' down to Glen Miller or whatever either, so....

Anyway, those headphones are remarkable for playing drums along with to.  They've re-sparked my interest in playing - yesterday I played for over 2 hours without realizing where the time went.  Janice took off to the gym for an hour's worth of cardio and weights, and I stayed behind and did my Sir Poundalot routine (as my buddy  calls me), and wow... I seriously am out of practice!  But it'll be fun getting it back.  I had to stop because the beater on my bass pedal was slipping off and I didn't have my drum key with me, so I gave it a rest and headed upstairs from the basement.  There was the wife, sitting on the couch after having had a shower.  "How long have you been back?" I asked her.  "Oh, about an hour or so."  !!!  

So KISS and Van Halen and stuff like that'll have to take a backseat to Coldplay and odd mix stuff so I can address my tempo and accuracy issues.  But that stuff's fun to play too.  I love Will Champion, the drummer with Coldplay.  He's inventive with his rudiments and never overplays, and that's kind of what I need at this point in time.  In short, I kind of admittedly suck right now!  But going back to basics for a while is fine, and still lots of fun.  In time, maybe I'll get back to Liberty DeVitto and Alex Van Halen kind of stuff, or Eric Carr and Peter Criss... some of my very favorite drummers.  I mean, whether or not you like Billy Joel, you have to appreciate a guy like Liberty.  This version of 'Miami 2017' is CRAZY.  He cuts loose on the skins like a madman on acid, beating the living shit out of his instrument.  His band back then was the friggin' best.  Every one of those guys was great at what they did.  I think with Billy Joel, the more hair he had, the better he was!  I can't deal at all with his material post-Phil Ramone, the guy who produced his biggest stuff right up to 'An Innocent Man'.  As soon as he got with Christy Brinkley, ... meh.

Actually, Liberty has a book out.  I'll have to pick it up.  I just finished reading Paul Stanley's 'Face the Music' bio, a long and extremely entertaining read that I just finished up yesterday morning.  Something else I took up doing was writing reviews for stuff, just because.  I like to pretend I'm some kind of writer that matters.  I guess that would be my dream job, writing for a living.  I have no idea whatsoever how to go about that.  I used to write letters to the paper back in the day - some of them good, others not at all!  But I got my ya-yas out that way in those times.  Nowadays I can't support a news conglomerate dominated by an oil outfit like the Irvings.  There's quite an ugly conflict of interest there.

I dream a lot about being back at the place I worked for, for the last 10-11 years.  It was rough at times throughout, but after the manager who hired me left, everything changed and I feel like I totally don't have a place there anymore.  When you're blamed for $2000 in store stock losses for issues you had nothing to do with, you have to re-evaluate your worth there.  I don't get any support from that place at all since I've been away.  No calls to see how I am, no cards, no 'hope you feel better and come back, we need you!', not like it was with my old manager and staff mates.  So this all leaves me feeling quite worthless and useless.  To boot, the district manager gives my wife, who works at a related store, the cold shoulder because he knows she's married to me, and of course that guy listens to the new manager at my store.  I hate to think that my reputation according to the new manager is dragging my wife and daughter (who works with her) down with me.  But there's nothing I can do about it.  Literally nothing.  All of this plays a major, massive role in my coping with my depression and anxiety.  This constant feeling of guilt and worthlessness hangs off of my shoulders.  Ten years of my life I devoted to that place, literally blood sweat and tears... even broken bones.  Actually I have to stop writing about that right now because I feel myself drifting out into the undertow here.

I guess all I want is a job where my efforts are simply appreciated.  Is that really too much to ask?

These brain zaps that shock my head are getting annoying and even scary at times.  If you've ever seen 'Man of Steel', the last Superman origin story movie where young Clark tries coping with adjusting to his powers, that's a very good description of what it feels like.  That movie is awesome, by the way.  I don't care what anyone says.  If you watch closely, you can see how Superman is actually kind of a Christ-like figure.  In one scene, older Clark is in church talking to a priest.  That scene alone is worth studying, because Clark's an alien after all, and the idea of there actually being alien life would shake up the religious establishment.  But Clark's dad, Jor El (played impeccably by Russell Crowe), in essence 'gives up' his only begotten son to save humanity.  In that church, you see Clark with Jesus in the stained glass windows behind him.  And it's revealed Clark is actually 33 years old, the age Jesus was when he died.  In a subsequent film, he actually does die, and is raised back to life to save Earth from a demonic character named Doomsday, summoned to life by a judgmental Pontius Pilate-like character, Lex Luthor, after the people turn on Superman like they did with Jesus.  You tell me that's not biblical.  And I love how they did that.

Anyway.... my appetite is strangely quelled.  Or not so strangely, as it's one of the symptoms of withdrawal, here.  As is nausea and vomiting, though thank God I only got sick once - still, every time I eat a meal, I feel like I might hurl. I made a really good slow-cooker Salisbury Steak dinner with potatoes and carrots that we both enjoyed quite immensely, but I paid for it with stomach issues.  I had hopes with getting my sleep back on track after sleeping through the night for a few nights, but nightmares woke me up tonight.  So I may be back to square one there.  I'm supposed to exercise, according to 'experts', to help calm the body.  But here's the thing... last time I was at the gym, I went in there feeling fine, only to get dizzy and stumble around, and nearly get sick even after a short treadmill session and some high reps/low weights lifting.  I was sweating, but not the good kind.  It was a cold sweat, which leads to being sick a lot.  So I had to cut it short and apologize to the wife.  I guess right now my best exercise is my drums, until I can get past the worst of it here, which I have no idea when that'll be.  The wife still goes without me, which is fine by me.  She's in the 180s with her weight now.  Consider that she was 256 at one point.  She's on a serious mission, and I'm fully supportive of it.  And proud more than I can say.

If you're reading this, thank you so much for your support.  I just want you to also understand, when it comes to facebook, I've resolved to answer comments on whatever I post on my profile page, which doesn't contain all the news feed stuff - something I now know I have to avoid.  It's not that I don't care about my friends on that site, I just can't quite deal with the negativity that swamps the news feed.  I listened to a podcast called 'Three Sides of the Coin', dedicated to KISS fans that's really popular, and I really enjoyed it.  So much, in fact, that I went to their facebook page to tell them and give my own feedback.  Without thinking, actually, that I'm dipping my toe back into the cesspool that is facebook.  Sure enough, there were those who were mean and confrontational about what I had to say, which was based on facts and only an opinion not designed to piss anyone off whatsoever, and I was mindful of that.  Don't become what you oppose, right?  Well, people did decide to get pissed off and confrontational anyway, which amped up my stress level.  The best way to deal with people like that is to hold a mirror up to them to show them how ugly that behavior really is.  "Are you looking for a fight?  Because I'm really not into that."  That seemed to calm one particular guy down.  Look, I just find everyone's seeking combat these days for stupid, nonsensical reasons.  Even if you try to avoid it, oh don't worry... it'll fucking find you.  I've been guilty of it too.  Make no mistake.  But even if you try to avoid it........

I'll take a few sips of my diet Canada Dry here, listen to our air filter humming for white noise, and try to get back to sleep.  I might have to take Utopia oil, which I've avoided for a few days, but at the very least, it calms me down and softens those brain zaps.  I have a friend who gave me a few bottles of that oil - God bless her, because that stuff's not exactly cheap - but I think I pissed her off too over the whole Hillbilly Mad Max trucker convoy thing, so - who's left to piss off???????  Canada is dipping into Trumpism, which equals hatred, and it's the scariest thing to me.  THE SCARIEST.  We don't have a single political party in this country that has a fucking clue, and it's dividing all of us.  Let me say this... regardless of your political affiliation, you must call out bullshit even with the party you support... in fact, especially with the party you support... or your views are utterly meaningless and empty.  Thus I've refrained from most political commentary, especially along party lines.  In Canada, there is no party I support, currently.  They're all inept and pointless and hateful.  Since 2016, when the seeds were planted (and I'll leave you to guess who planted them... hint, not of this country), they've grown into monstrous weeds that are now way out of control.  And I don't have much hope that it will get under control, either.  We may be at a point of no return.  End Times, anyone?

Aaaaand with that happy note, I'm outta here.



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