Post #9 February 18

February 18, 2022

I believe progress has been made.
But, I might have to change the title of this blog.
I'm now currently no longer in 'withdrawal'.  

In my last post, I was in such horrible shape that I had to do something.
My wife wound up calling the doctor - and arranged for us to talk to him on the phone after she was done work.
It had to be a phone call because Covid is still preventing in-person appointments.
I actually ask my wife to accompany me on doctor's appointments these days because I want her to fill in the blanks, so to speak; that is, in case I don't say everything I might not have the courage to say.
During the call, to summarize, I made the admission that I considered taking my own life back in November.  
He reacted with detected dismay, and asked if I'd heard from the psychiatrist he referred me to last August.
I told him I hadn't heard anything - he seemed somewhat upset.
Thus is our health care system!
He resolved to contact the psychiatrist and try to move things along, especially in light of what nearly happened in November.
The real reason for my wanting to talk to him is to look for advice on what exactly I should be doing to taper off of Zoloft.  
He asked why I wanted to.
I said, quite bluntly, that it wasn't working anymore, even with the higher doses; I did, after all, consider killing myself while I was on 150mg of it.
I expressed quite sternly that I don't want to go on 200mg, the maximum dose.
Again, bluntly, I told him it was dulling my senses, and even causing sexual disfunction issues.
If that's too personal, I'm sorry, but this blog is 100% honest.
Otherwise, I won't do it at all.

He offered a change in a different medication called Pristiq, a relatively newer drug therapy.
It's not cheap... but it is covered by our drug plan, after I'd paid the $150 co-pay.
Suffice to say that after one bottle, that $150 is taken care of.
Pristiq is not an SSRI, but rather an SNRI, and he explained the difference - that it was a therapy that more completely treats brain disorders - that it's the newest generation of treatment.
He faxed the prescription to the pharmacy, as I'd accepted to try it.
I thanked the doctor for his assistance in acquiring my disability claim.
He once again reiterated that I needed to go on it.

Before trying Pristiq, I felt the need to do my own research on it.
NOT the kind of self-research that a lot of Covid deniers do about vaccines, either.
I wanted to know the pros and cons, the potential side effects and benefits of being on it.
As it turns out, Zoloft is a riskier treatment than Pristiq is.
Some claimed that it made things worse for them, and warned not to try it.
But more claimed that it was a godsend, that it was next-level stuff.
That it calmed anxiety without sacrificing mood and inducing so much numbness.
This was very encouraging to me.
I needed to find out, specifically, if it would work for a middle aged man like myself.
Most patient reviews from my age and gender group were very positive.
There were some women who had a rougher time with it, but generally they were positive, too.
I felt the need to approach this with extreme caution - because I'd previously tried Trintellix, which I believe is another SNRI, that had the complete opposite effect with me; to the degree that it was startling to me AND my wife.
I felt reassured that I'd gotten the vast majority of Zoloft out of my system via my withdrawal, thus leaving more room for this new therapy to try to work.  
I liken that to going to the gym... when the gym is too full, it's harder to get an effective workout in - machines and equipment are often taken, there are disruptive members sometimes, etc. 
When the gym has a lot less people, you have more ample opportunity to exercise and take care of your body with less interference.
I've now passed two days of treatment with Pristiq, and other than initially having difficulty sleeping (what else is new), I'm finding my mood is more regulated and stable; though it's very, very early.  
I do need that stability, though - it's what I seek the most.
My digestive issues seem to be leveling off, though that also is too early to conclude with any finality.
I ought to also add, with arguably too much honesty, that I wondered if I'd had Irritable Bowel Syndrome, or IBS.  For many months I'd been dealing with gut pain and frequent visits to the restroom.
I'd been finding the more anxious I was, the more this seemed to be exacerbated.
Thus, curbing my anxiety, I believe, is key to addressing that issue as well.
It was crazy at work, where anxiety is heightened greatly.

So this is the current state.  
The last couple of nights, I have slept... albeit not very long. 
I do, however, seem to be tolerating taking cannabis oil again to help me sleep, whereas for a while, it seemed to sicken me somewhat. 
Still, from Sunday up to Tuesday, I only slept maybe a total of three to four hours; during this time, cannabis oil was turning my stomach - I chalk that up to withdrawal from Zoloft.  
It was cause enough for concern for me to contact my doctor.
I'm glad now I did.
The only true side effect I've noticed up to now is that it's turned me into quite a chatty-Cathy.
I'm talking my wife's ear off, bad jokes and all.
She claims that it's a delightful change.
I have rather urgent issues with our house that need addressing, and where I normally just sit and dwell about it, I have the urge to actually do something.
Not actually do it myself... I've been proven to be a frontrunner for Canada's Worst Handyman.
My handywork is hilariously pathetic - from shocking myself to sawing straight through our picnic table once, to several cuts and large blue thumbs via hammering.
A quite funny example of my handywork is seen when you traverse up the stairs in our house... I'd caulked along the edges of the steps from the bottom up, with some kind of squiggly-wiggly pattern that appears to improve as you go up the steps!
My daughter actually pleaded with her mother once to not let me do anything lest I endanger myself.
I have to take that as humorous - and I do.  Very much so, actually. 
But seriously at the same time.

My wife will be off work with me after today for three days - I look forward to that.  (edit... our daughter is sick, so Janice had to cover her shift Saturday)
I love my wife dearly (I feel tears welling up as I type that).
She has helped save me once again.
I know she's reading this.
Janice... know that I love you more than any language can express.
I exist, I live, because of you.
I hope I'm offering some kind of reciprocation - I feel I do, as you have expressed to me.

Thank you to all who have continued to walk with me on this journey - not to eradicate this illness, as it's chronic - but to help me cope with it.
Many have stuck with me, and many more have left me.
I can't express how much gratitude I have for those who have supported me.

Thank you so much.
I love all of you.